I have social anxiety, do you?

3 minute read time

Today’s issue: In this one she shares her social anxiety and the bizarre ways she manages not ‘solves’ it. The whole newsletter is filtered through her cringe in hopes you can find yourself in the story.

Let’s talk about apologies. If you have ever spoken to me, you probably noticed something. I apologize. A lot. For speaking, having an opinion, for simply breathing. If you give me a chance, I’ll probably apologize for existing too. Even after a smooth conversation, I'll replay every word in my head, scrutinizing every possible mistake, even if the other person claims it went fine.

According to Google, social anxiety is when you feel uncomfortable and out of place in social situations.

And since ‘social anxiety’ is a fancy phrase for ‘mental condition’ and my insurance lapsed, I turned to ChatGPT for insight and confirmation:

Did you answer yes to most of those questions too? Congrats, you might just have social anxiety, at least as far as an AI with no medical degree goes. But let's roll with it.

So here’s what happened.

I read Noah Kagans book ‘Million Dollar Weekend’ and had a revelation about my own social anxiety.

Today's challenge seemed straightforward enough:

• Reach out to three friends and pitch them on what I'm selling.

• If they decline, dig deeper to uncover their real issue

• Then offer a solution they're willing to pay for.

Should’ve been simple, right? These are people I already know, after all. But here's what really went down:

I unlocked my phone, scrolled through my contacts, and suddenly felt like a bumbling fool. My heart raced as if I was having a phantom heart attack, and I couldn't shake the feeling that they'd somehow sense my internal panic.

Here’s the truth: I’m an extreme extrovert contrary to Hollywood movies who sells socially anxious people as wallflowers. And this anxiety? I wasn’t born with it. It crept up on me over the last few years.

My social anxiety? People I know and strangers in specific situations.

Even have a touch of separation anxiety with those I feel safest around, because every other interaction carries the looming threat of anxiety.

[Quick pause for the cringe and uncomfortable truth because a couple of those people read this newsletter.]

Moving on!

Here’s where traditional ‘how to overcome social anxiety’ goes wrong:

• Faking it and smiling when you don’t want to. It’s a fast way to look like the Joker and feel like a clown too. Putting on a mask to hide how you are feeling isn’t a solution. In fact it made me feel fake and worse.

• Writing scripts. Nobody read your script. The minute I’m in a social situation most of it left my head. The fragments that remain, never come up in the conversation.

• Thinking ‘positive’. In the middle of my anxiety my mind will hear the motivational quote and call BS. But if it works for you keep it you lucky bastard.

So here’s how I still talk to people and here’s how:

1. I don’t pretend I’m not anxious. I tell people I’m anxious and keep talking. There’s a little freedom in not holding it inside. Sometimes, people reciprocate with their own admissions of anxiety, or they're simply taken aback by such raw vulnerability (or they might've just zoned out—your guess is as good as mine).

2. I focus on the other person. The more genuinely interested I am in them, the less room there is in my head for anxious thoughts. Bonus points: it's a win-win, because not only don’t you have to talk about yourself, people rarely have someone who asks and wants to listen to them, and you don’t have to look for an exit because you enjoy them.

3. I assume nobody is paying attention or bored to death. Hear me out. If you don’t like being the center of attention, talking to someone who is disinterested feels like you’re talking to a wall. Sure, it hurts but since you already think nobody cares it’s oddly comforting — especially when you stop talking and someone agrees or wants to continue the conversation.

So, are these tips a guaranteed cure for social anxiety? I wish. I still struggle with social anxiety DAILY. But they do help me navigate social interactions, even when I'm feeling like I'm barely keeping my head above water.

Bottomline: Social anxiety is very real. But the goal isn't necessarily to eradicate it entirely. Instead, it's about compiling a collection of case studies—moments where you faced your anxiety head-on, engaged with others, and didn't let the fear of looking foolish or unwanted hold you back.

Who knows? You might just make genuine connections along the way.

This Weeks Mission

(No question this week because I want you to act.)

Identify one social activity that scares you, attend, and say at least one sentence to someone you feel uncomfortable with.

It can be the boring ‘how is the weather?’ if you want to. I just want to see you prove to yourself you can talk to someone and won’t burst into flames after.

See you next week,

Nichole Morris

NOTE: Socially awkward and putting in the reps.